My Great Healing (Poem)

In a recent post titled, “I Love Jesus But I Follow Buddha”, I wrote about the experience which inspired me to write this poem at the most recent Wake Up retreat. I hope you enjoy. Feel free to share, if you’d like.

 

Dear Rosene,

Yes, the source of my pain has a name.

I thought she saw something special in me.

I thought she saw me.

 

13-years-old.

 

Thick green carpet lined your office.

I remember because all I could look at was the floor.

You showed me the flowers on your desk and said they were from someone like me.

“But now they’re free. Just follow my lead.”

So, I did.

 

You told me about a man you saw on the news.

He was a child molester.

You warned me I would become like him if I didn’t repent of my sin.

I thought you wanted to talk because you saw something special in me.

Not this.

THIS is not in me.

 

13-years-old.

 

Tears streamed down my face as I gasped for air.

“I’m gay!” I confessed for the first time in my life.

“There, there. Follow my lead if you wish to have a wife.”

Every Sunday we met.

One year passed.

You promised me freedom.

Two years passed.

You promised me freedom.

Three years passed.

You promised me freedom.

Four years passed.

You promised me freedom.

Five years passed.

Is this freedom?

 

18-years-old.

 

I didn’t know how to love but I did know how to settle.

For any man.

Tell me, pastor, what’s it like to be sure of who you are?

What’s it like to be taught that the one who created the stars loves you for who you are?

What’s it like to know your family and friends won’t reject you because of who you are?

What’s it like to see your life reflected everywhere you go?

You see, while you were casting the “demons of homosexuality” out of me, at school, they were beating it out of me.

Tell me, pastor, what’s it like to know who you are is good?

 

21-years-old.

 

My eyes began to open.

After all, a castle built on sand will not last. Right, pastor?

And the waves of truth are hitting fast.

Each wave carving room for truth, “God loves you for who you are!”

But, what about…

“God loves you for who you are!”

If a man lies with another man…

“God loves you for who you are!”

My sand castle fell.

 

23-years-old.

 

Now I knew what is true, so, I summoned you.

 

I forgive you for all the pain, I said.

Your eyes were dead.

“God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.”, you replied.

Forget the cliches. What about me?

You still can’t acknowledge your evil deeds.

 

29-years-old.

 

I ascended to the great hidden mountain.

Seeking healing from my pain.

There, I found a fountain.

The water pure.

I drank from their well.

Freely they gave, expecting nothing in return.

 

I felt thirteen again.

Scared but now scarred.

Can I trust you?

Are you another Rosene?

 

Fear aside, I showed them who I am.

They sat in silence listening to my suffering.

Then, from the silence, “Brother, may I heal your pain?”

This teacher has a name but she doesn’t seek fame.

“Not only does the one who created the stars love you for who you are. You are the stars. Nothing is far. It’s all in you.” She proclaimed.

That’s when the movie began to play in my head…

“Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve!”

“Love the sinner, hate the sin!”

“Leviticus 20:13!”

“Turn or burn!”

“Repent or perish!”

The movie screamed.

 

My sister touched the earth to heal our pain.

Rosene, that’s when I realized the freedom song you sang was all in vain.

 

Your violent words became mute.

The painful images faded to black and white.

That’s when I took flight.

For the first time in my life, I saw clearly who I am.

 

I am an unrepentant queer.

I am not afraid to love.

I am not afraid to explore my worth.

I am not afraid to say, I know that I know, who I am is good.

 

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s