It didn’t begin with “Sup” or “Into?” like most of the messages I receive on Grindr.
In fact, it didn’t even begin on Grindr. Maybe that’s what made it so magical. It wasn’t contrived. Instead, it felt divinely orchestrated.
“I’ll have a black iced coffee.” I told the French barista. This café rests on the edge of Park Bois de Boulogne, a short walk to the Eiffel Tower – my final destination on my last full day in Paris. I was traveling alone through Europe for two weeks. Making my way to Barcelona for a friend’s wedding.
My black iced coffee was ready. The café was empty with the exception of one other person sitting alone. I roosted in the corner of the café facing the door. Planning to stay only for an hour to read the book I brought with me, Velvet Rage. A few pages into the book, I looked up and caught the gaze of a dark blonde French man.
I Played Coy
He was tall, walked confidently and smiled at the barista. A regular perhaps? “Puis, j’ais une café au lait, s’il vous plait?” He asked the barista. A polite French man. I was intrigued. At this point, my glance evolved into staring, intensely. He must have felt my stare because I caught his eye. He smiled gently at me while looking directly into my eyes. I smiled back and quickly broke the gaze. I felt flushed.
I acted as if I was occupied with my book but my mind was consumed entirely now by his presence. As I acted to be lost in reading, I could see him in my peripheral vision look away then back at me. He was inviting my stare once again. I knew my time was limited as he waited for his café au lait. Testing the water, I casually looked around. I acted interested in the art on the wall. As beautiful as the art was, it wasn’t going to deliver what I knew the man at the counter could. And, frankly, what I hoped he too desired. I played coy. Hoping to capture his gaze again and secretly hoping it would lead to more than just a gentle smile in return.
Will He Notice My Charm?
Our eyes met again. This time I smiled. I meant to give him a soft, casual “sup” kind of smile but what came out was a full smile with teeth. I couldn’t mask my intrigue. “I’m not good at this game.” I thought to myself. He picked up his coffee, turned towards the door, but, before he exited he looked my way again and shook his head with a smile. As if to playfully say, “You’re right. You’re not good at this game but you’re charming.”
I didn’t waste a second. I closed my book, took out my headphones and decided to follow his lead.
He was about 30 feet ahead of me. I put my headphones back in. I didn’t want to appear too available. He looks back and sees me. We smile at each other again. He knows and so do I. We continued this for a few more blocks as if to see who would attempt to elevate the interaction first.
Are You Visiting?
I made the first move. I sat down on an empty park bench. I could see the Eiffel Tower beyond the trees from there. He kept on walking until he noticed I wasn’t trailing behind him anymore. He pivoted his body towards mine. He gave a smile and head tilt as if to say, “You’re really making me come to you?” I felt that sense of satisfaction you get when you catch a fish and begin to reel it in. He began making his way towards me.
With a French accent he introduced himself, “My name is Gabriel. Are you visiting?”
“Yeah, I’ve been here for a few days.” I’m not interested in wasting time, “Do you live around here?”
“I’m on my way to work now.” he replied. He points to a four-story stone building that doesn’t look the two centuries old I learned it to be, rather, it appears to hold two centuries worth of untold stories. I was certain we were about to make a new one. “That’s where I work.” he added. The doorway rested in the center of beautiful, intricate stone work. Each floor was exposed with floor-to-ceiling windows as if to leave no room for secrets, except ours. He was going in for a few hours to catch up on a few things. It was a Sunday so no one else would be in the office he shared.
May I, Please?
I asked him to show me the space. I love exploring the architecture of historical buildings, but, more than that, I was curious to explore where this would go. Fueled with confidence and feeling the exchange of high vibrations between us, I knew I had his permission to elevate our encounter.
The fresh smell of a floral body wash wafted off his smooth, olive-toned skin. He wore a fitted button up but I could still see his bulging arms. His dark blue pants rounded out his butt nicely. As we walked up the stairs to his second floor office, his heavy steps made the hollowness of the stair case echo off the walls. With each step and stride he was communicating a strong sexual and dominate energy. It was so potent I was ready to receive it there on the winding stair case but I withheld. The office space was large. The wood floors creaked beneath my feet. From one end of the office to the other, the antique warehouse pendant lights hung perfectly aligned from the rafter ceiling. As I took in the view of Paris from the windows, he turned on some music and made his way over to where I was standing. The song playing brought me back from daydreaming out the window and back into the room. I turned to him and asked, “What song is this?” He went back to his phone to check, “It’s called Will He by an artist named Joji.” I smirked and thought of how appropriate the title and vibe of the song was for this moment. Gabriel was now taking the driver seat and elevating the experience.
He invited me to join him in the middle of the office. I walked towards him. The excitement of this moment was quickly moving south of my stomach. Gabriel grabbed my hips and brought me in close. Our pelvises touched. I rested my head on his shoulder and we swayed to the rhythm of the song. “No one can see us if we’re in the middle of the room.” He admitted. I didn’t care if they did.
He had me take one step away from him, “Lift up your arms.” he commanded. He grabbed the bottom of my shirt and slid it off over my head. Feeling vulnerable, I maintained my gaze on his face. Forty minutes ago we were mere strangers exchanging glances in a café. The back of his right hand caressed my face and slowly made it’s way down my neck then my chest until it reached the top of my pants. He began to unbutton then unzip. I pulled them off along with my underwear and tossed both off to the side. He grabbed my hips and pulled me into him once more. In sync we swayed our hips. My head rested on his shoulder. As our pelvises met again, I could feel him throbbing against me. Everything became silent except for the lyrics of the song…
Will your tongue still remember the taste of my lips?
Will your shadow remember the swing of my hips?
Will your lover caress you the way, that I did?
Will you notice my charm, if he slips up one bit?
I wanted him.
I moved my hands to unbutton his pants. He quickly placed his hands over mine and moved them away. Gabriel took a step back. As I stood there naked, I wasn’t sure if I was about to be rejected and asked to leave. Our eyes were locked and we were silent.
The song continued…
‘Cause I don’t need to know
I just wanna make sure you’re okay
I don’t need to know
I just wanna make sure you’re all safe
Gabriel began to undress himself while maintaining his gaze towards me. Our eyes locked, I went to my knees. Undressed, he walked his naked body towards mine until he could feel the warmth of my breath on his skin and I could feel the warmth of his cock against my face.
As he towered over me, I took him in and he whispered with his baritone voice, “Ensemble, enfin.”
Samantha emailed me from the Trinity Broadcasting Network (TBN), “Paul Sr. told him to pull your show from the air immediately.” Everything I dreamt of doing since I was a kid was coming to a forced end. Not by just anyone either. It was from Paul Crouch Sr. himself. Someone I grew up watching on TV and idolizing. Most evenings, after dinner, our family would tune in together and watch TBN’s flagship show, Praise The Lord! Hosted by the founders of TBN, Paul and Jan Crouch.
On this show they would showcase the biggest names within the Charismatic Christian movement – Benny Hinn, Karen Wheaton, Jesse
Duplantis and John Hagee were some of the biggest crowd pleasers. Benny Hinn and Karen Wheaton were my personal favorites. My sisters and I even played a game we called, “Benny Hinn”. The rules were simple – if you’re Benny Hinn you get to make the other person fall over by waving your hand over their head. We played as if we possessed the same powers we believed God granted to Benny Hinn. When you live in the middle-of-nowhere and you’re a devote Pentecostal family, these are the games you come up with. Everything else is too worldly.
A separate email from another friend I had at TBN read, “They edited you out of the episode you starred on.” I was a guest on one of JCTV’s original productions called, Cruise With A Cause. This was a reality show that was taped onboard of a one-week Christian cruise to the Bahamas. I was the emcee for the cruise and was also onboard filming for my own show that week. This reality show was as dry as the Christian cruise. It was painfully vanilla. Being edited out of it should have come as a relief.
It didn’t hit me how much the news from that email would hurt until I saw the newly edited episode myself. This wasn’t just a horribly vanilla Christian reality show. For me, it was directly connected to the faith community I grew up believing in and loving. A community I desperately sought acceptance from.
About two years after coming out, I was back living in Indiana. It was the Spring of 2010 and I had just moved into my then boyfriend’s apartment in downtown Indianapolis. I finished setting up my TV in the living room, plugged in the antenna then turned on the TV. As I flipped through the over-the-air channels, JCTV flashed on my screen. I’m not sure if I believe in coincidences. Looking back now, this definitely was not one. Not only was that horrible reality show Cruise With A Cause streaming on my TV that very moment, so was my episode. The episode I was edited out of. My immediate thought was, “No way.” Stunned by this happenstance or perhaps Divine appointment, I decided to make myself comfortable. I sat back into the couch and watched to see if they really did edit me out.
On this episode, they were setting up one of JCTV’s staple on-air female personalities on blind dates with some of the other Christian entertainers on the cruise. I was one of her four blind dates for the episode. Sure enough, they edited me completely out of the entire episode. They wanted to erase my existence from their network. That was painful for me to accept. The leaders of the world I grew up believing in and loving intentionally chose to forget I ever existed since I revealed I am gay.
This wasn’t the last time something I loved tried to erase me. It’s something that has been happening to me since I was a kid who liked playing with Barbie dolls and putting on my sister’s dresses. For me, it was fun to play pretend, but, to the adults around me, it was a threat. A threat to their social status. A threat to their hard earned position in heaven. A threat if anyone else found out this child is queer.
I know I’m not alone in this.
There are countless other stories, like mine, about LGBTQ people who have been erased from the memories and archives of their faith communities. The deletion of our queer existence doesn’t occur only after we leave our beloved faith communities. It happens while we’re there. It starts with trying to get us to forget who we are. This is done through ex-gay counseling like I went through. It’s also done through what seems like normal correction. For example, I was physically and verbally disciplined every time my dad caught me playing with my sister’s dolls. Playing with my sister’s dolls became an act of defiance and great courage.
From a young age I was taught through physical, emotional and spiritual abuse to hide the most honest and genuine parts of myself. The unhealthy habits this created in my life are still unfolding and I’m learning to identify them. However, as the unhealthy habits reveal themselves through these stories I’m sharing and the book I’m writing, one question keeps emerging: Can you see me now?
In a TV interview, Sherri Shepherd from The View revealed that she believes LGBT people are going to hell. Her interview reminded me of the most important lesson I’ve learned in life so far.
As humans everything we do is a response out of two things… fear and love. Every choice we make derives from these two emotions.
The thing which hinders us from fulfilling our New Year resolution to be healthy is fear. The decision to not forgive a friend or family member comes from a place of fear. When we don’t fulfill our career goals or even create goals it’s because we are allowing fear to control us. However, operating in love will inform you to forgive the friend or family member. Love for yourself will compel you to keep your resolution. Love will motivate you to achieve your goals.
My journey of letting go of fear started when I stopped fearing hell.
For me, growing up in a very religious home, the fear of hell was deeply instilled in me. I remember the countless sermons that ended with, “If you left here tonight, died in a car accident, where would you spend eternity?” If I wasn’t sure, I would be one of the first to raise my hand to be saved. Jesus was my way out of hell. However, love didn’t lead me to Jesus, it was fear. However, the Jesus that fear led me to was a counterfeit Jesus.
While I was on the 2008 Equality Ride, I was confronted with the same question from hundreds of students and community members opposed to our message of LGBT inclusion. Everyday I was asked, “Aren’t you afraid of going to hell?”
After I was asked this question at an Assemblies of God school in Texas I came to a conclusion. I decided that I would not let fear control my life or inform my decisions anymore. After choosing to not let fear inform my decisions, when I was asked again, “Aren’t you afraid of going to hell?” My answer became a solid and resounding, “No.” My reason being is this, if I choose to accept Christ as my savior because I don’t want to go to hell but heaven instead then I have only accepted Christ out of fear because I want to save myself.
So, no, I am not afraid of going to hell. That question exposes the selfishness and fear which has come to be the very foundation for so many who call themselves a Christian. A relationship based on fear and selfishness will never last. I believe this to be the main contributor to so many ignorant, angry, and religious Christians. They have not yet fallen in love with Jesus. They have not allowed love to be the foundation of their relationship with him. At the end of the day, Jesus is not their loving Savior, rather, he is their ticket out of eternal torture.
I do not choose to be in a relationship with Jesus because I don’t want to go to hell. I choose to be in a relationship with Christ because his compelling message of love and forgiveness has saved me and healed my many wounds. I choose to follow Christ not because of my fear of hell but because his radical and endless grace sets me free.
This is why I pursue Christ. This is why I walk with Christ. Heaven is not my goal and hell is not my fear. To know and love Christ and share that with others in this life is my purpose and goal.
So, here is life’s most important lesson (according to me)… Begin to recognize when fear informs your decisions. When you start becoming aware of when and how fear informs your decisions, ask yourself, “What would love do?” When you have your answer, do what love would do instead.
Don’t allow fear to control you.
Forgive when you think you can’t.
Exercise when you think you’re exhausted.
Pursue your goals like it’s a race for your life.
Don’t let fear win.
I would like to note, I do not believe a literal hell exist. That can be a post for another time though.
I’ve received emails like this one since I’ve come out. I’ve received them from old friends, strangers and in this case from past fellow church members. People who are reaching out to me in hopes for me to “see the light” and come out of this “lifestyle”—for me to deny my identity.
There was a time when I would have been really hurt by an email like the one from Connie. People don’t realize that we aren’t talking about an abstract theological concept. When you talk about homosexuality—or really same-sex sex—you’re talking about a piece of me. I didn’t choose this anymore than you choose to be straight. This is my road to walk and you can critique from the sidelines on how I should live all you like, it still is my shoes making the journey.
Above anything, I just wish Connie could know the Jesus I know. The one that delivers us from fear, breaks the bondage of ignorance, the one that loves and affirms all people; regardless of their sexual orientation.
I’m not hurt by Connie’s email because I know she means well. She has reached out to me time and time again, she truly cares and wants the best for me. However, Connie is confusing her best with God’s best. Connie has done what countless others have done and continue to do; they have made God nothing more than a mere reflection of themselves.
Faith is a journey, it’s a personal journey. When you stop traveling in your faith, you stop growing and you stop learning. I believe the Divine is knocking on the church’s door and asking, “Will you love my LGBT children as I love them? As I affirm them? Will you choose to know them as I know them?”
To all the Connies out there, here are three important lessons to learn…
– First, When you tell me my life would be better as x,y,z; you’re minimizing my relationship with Christ. I have a different interpretation of a couple verses in the Bible. I have reconciled my faith and sexual orientation. There has to be respect for my personal journey with God.
– Next, ask yourself have you actually done your research on what the bible says or doesn’t say in regards to homosexuality as we understand it today? My friend Eliel Cruz says, “You’ve read six Bible verses, listened to a 45-minute sermon and have deemed yourself well-versed on the multifaceted subject of homosexuality. How quickly you have become an expert on the lives of thousands. An expert on my life.” (Watch Eliel’s moving video with his spoken word, “Where Were You?” HERE) There are many, many interpretations out there from different theological perspectives. A great book is “Bible, Gender, Sexuality” by James Brownson. Wrestle with your beliefs, I have.
– Lastly, just get to know me. Come into genuine fellowship with me. I’d love to have a mutually respectful dialogue about this subject. It is only through genuine fellowship that we can both truly see each other, learn from each other and grow in our faith together.
Remember, this is a journey and it’s not over.
(co-authored by Eliel Cruz)